Out of my own experience, and while talking to my clients, I see that many of us have some level of confusion between attachment and commitment.

So, let me start by giving a working definition of these two words, so that throughout this text we have a similar understanding of what I am talking about. Let me tackle attachment first: a fearful sensation that brings a sense of panic about the loss of something; something that we consider so fundamental, almost imperative for our survival, that the idea of its loss is so mind boggling that it sends us into a panicked frenzy. Examples of this are attachment to relationships, nationality, houses or money.

Let me now move on to commitment: a sense of purpose that accompanies a particular activity that we dedicate ourselves to. We offer this activity 100% of our attention while it lasts. The key words, in this context, are while it lasts.

 

Now that we have two meaningful definitions, we can try to untangle the mess. For example, when we have a relationship with someone (I'll use this example of a relationship throughout the chapter yet, you can, dear reader, put any other word that works for you. Instead of relationship you can use sex, or money, or career. No matter what, the mental steps are similar) we often say that we are attached to them. In reality, what this attachment belies is our own sense of inadequacy and insecurity. A good instance of this is the jealousy we feel when our partner looks at someone else. We blame her for having unfaithful thoughts, for lusting after other people, and we start perhaps slamming doors and creating scenes that could well be used in a best-selling theatrical performance. We create, in other words, drama.

In reality, what we don't want to see – or can't see in that moment – is that this so-called jealousy is a representation of our own insecurities and fears, and we blame the other person for them. We are giving away responsibility for our own feelings, and we don't recognize that our sensations are the result of a dialogue with ourselves, perhaps along the lines of: “if she leaves, I'll never be able to find someone new” or perhaps “life without her will be meaningless” or yet “I cannot contemplate life on my own, I am too scared”.

 

Of course, if our partner leaves, sooner or later we realize that the world does not stop and that we can actually share our love with someone else again.

Yet, unless we are prepared to be completely honest with ourselves and face the fact that we are scared of being on our own, and that perhaps we have become a bit obsessive about relationships – or the lack thereof – we will repeat a similar situation over and over; we will create what commonly gets referred to as a self-fulfilling prophecy. We will meet someone else and, after the initial period of honeymoon, our fears will slowly start to show themselves again.

For example, when our partner calls his woman-friend – let me call her Brenda – we grow suspicious, and start acting out the jealous script again and, before we know it, we will be on our own again, because our partner feels so constrained, so jailed and judged that all he wants to do is regain his freedom, and pronto. Of course we will have “proof” of the fact that “we were right”. Brenda and him are more than friends, and we know this because they meet regularly. Unfortunately, this apparent truth only exists in our heads, our by now ex-partner is regularly meeting up with Brenda – that much we observed correctly. The truth is that Brenda is giving him emotional support, and has been doing so since both were fifteen, when their purely platonic friendship started.

Unless we are ready to meet ourselves at the deepest level, in and around those corners and areas of our innermost self where the smelly stuff sits, we are bound to drag our biases, our likes and dislikes in every area of our lives, creating hell for ourselves, and indirectly, for others.

We start living a compartmentalized life, in which there are all sorts of categories: for example, we get attached to an idea of what good people and bad people are, good foods and bad foods, desirable outcomes and undesirable outcomes, and so on.

Only complete honesty with ourselves – and as a consequence with the world around us – allows us to have a meaningful relationship with anything that we put our attention on.

Yet let me now leave behind our romantic entanglement-gone-wrong, and speak about commitment: I would suggest that it means, in practical terms, being with the situation we find ourselves in, to the best of our abilities in that moment, and while it lasts. Are we in a relationship? We need to commit to it to100%, in the here and now, while it lasts, with no expectations of what should be and could be. And, if a moment arrives in which both parties feel that the relationship has run its course, then it is time to let it go. Let it go with a bang, with a celebration of the wonderful contributions we have brought each other, with a big thank you and I share my love with you and it is time to move in different directions.

Are we starting a new job? We commit to it to the best of our abilities, in the here and now, while it gives us satisfaction and joy. When we start feeling that it is getting heavy on the heart, when it no longer suits us, it is time to let it go, and take our commitment elsewhere. The benefit is at least twofold: by letting this job go, we give someone else the opportunity to enjoy it and, by moving to a new job, we are allowing ourselves to enjoy the job that someone else no longer loved. If, on the other hand, it is a new position that is being created, we can choose to see this as one of the many expressions of abundance that make up this universe.

This flies in the face of most things that we get taught as children, and that we carry – often unchallenged – into adulthood. We get told to stick with “it” – whatever “it” is for you – through thick and thin, to struggle, to stress and complain over “it”; in general, to make our lives hell, a vale of tears rather than the joyful, playful event it can be.

Whenever I start creating heavy thoughts, or as I refer to it, whenever I start moving to hell, I feel something like a grinding sensation inside, as if my heart, stomach and lungs pushed against each other, giving me some kind of heavy feeling, a particularly heavy indigestion with multiple complications requiring urgent hospitalization. Is it worth doing this to myself? Nowadays the answer is a definite no.

By the way, my exhortation to live life joyfully, is not a suggestion to run away from situations when difficulties arise. Whichever path we choose, we will find that sometimes the going gets tough. Commitment requires of us that we persevere and continue to live what we are passionate about yet, when that inner voice is starting to tell us that something is over, that a particular situation has “grown tired”, then we need to learn to listen to it, as it knows – at all times – what is best for us. In my personal experience, it is a very fine line that separates giving up, running away on the one side, and on the other, letting go of the old and outdated. Yet, as more and more we learn to tune into this inner voice, we also become more and more fluent at recognizing what it is pointing to, and what is good for us.

It is important to learn to distinguish between all these sensations that arise in our minds and bodies. Attachment, heaviness, commitment, fear, desire to flee are all sides of a larger picture; the picture of our well-being and, perhaps more importantly, the picture of our living a wholesome life, in which we recognize every voice that speaks within us, and in which we learn to appreciate it for what it has to share with us, for what it is telling us about the life we are living in this moment. As we become better and better at recognizing and listening to this inner voice, or set of voices, that activity that we refer to as “our life” will become easier and sweeter and more playful, and perhaps the biggest benefit, we will find that we will want to visit hell on fewer and fewer occasions.

We will learn to allow, but not act on those thoughts that lead us to take decisions that detract from our lives. We will recognize these thoughts and sensations in our body for what they probably are: a sign of our past ability to create pain for ourselves.